What would a diagnosed schizophrenic do if the newspapers were talking to them?

I am scared of fame. I want a modest life with my partner, with a few kids and a German Shepherd puppy…we talk about the future quite frequently. I crave that modest lifestyle, however there are things in this world that are worth dying for. Even though I really do not want to suffer such a harsh fate; part of the reason for that is I believe I have a considerable amount of things to say.

I just realized today that my life could change forever. I am currently experiencing mania, and I have no idea what my mental health status is. However, it has very recently come to my attention that schizophrenia is not in my medical file at all…

How could I have been so naive? Psychiatry is still in its infancy, and I truly hope one day that it will not be. A person will feel like they have to jump through hoops just to get diagnosed. How many people in this world end up slipping through the cracks? It seems to always lead to a devastating outcome whenever that happens, does it not?

Anyone reading this should definitely take this insight of mine with a grain of salt, since I am not a mental health professional by any means. I am truly wondering if there is a way to manipulate paranoia and mania. In a way where does not feel like you are wielding a double edged sword. Due to my personal experiences with mental health, I can honestly say that there are two things I can look at that are quite substantial.

For one, the paranoia seems to keep me in line. I will be very careful with what I want to reveal about myself to others. In this day and age of highly advanced telecommunications, such a thing is highly imperative.

These words I am about to quote are not my own. I happened to stumble on an article that went into detail about the power of social media.

“Truly think about what you are sharing with the world, because you are expressing yourself in ways no being in thousands of years has been able to accomplish.”

It’s profound. I can see why the author of the article decided to go with thousands of years, instead of decades. The meaning becomes even more substantial when you stretch the amount of time itself into the dark ages.

The second point I have to mention, is that experiencing mania is so hindering to anyone. I am so scatter brained right now, and all these ideas pouring into my mind are just…they are terrifying and they can also be formidable. I’m writing all of this down, anything that pops into my mind out of nowhere. Not just on this blog, but on a notepad the hospital staff handed to me just yesterday…

This fentanyl crisis sucks so bad. I fully realize you cannot help someone that does not want help…that is just the way it is unfortunately. Everyone comes to terms with this in their own way, whether it be by becoming embittered or fully embracing that there are certain things in your life that are completely beyond your control.

Don’t interrupt a writer, since you’d be a huge dinkus to actually do that.

Edit: there is mild course language. I didn’t like how I would’ve been reaching out a smaller demographic if I swore nearly like a truck driver.

Has anyone ever experienced the worst wrath ever from interrupting a writer lost in thought, typing at the keyboard feverishly away? I want to know about it. Let me know in the comments, and by all means share exactly who this was as long as you’re comfortable enough.

What’s going through my head when people interrupt my writing: Perhaps this applies to a ton of writers, of any sort for all I know. My partners mother GETS SO IRRITATED when people ask her questions or try to interact with her in any sort of way while she is trying to watch her shows, and I get it! She has a very good taste in tv shows and movies quite honestly.

Here is a segment of what I feel like doing, with detail, (i have more to add to this eventually) when someone interrupts me at work here…with writing it’s the most intense. If it’s a constant thing I feel like saying:

“PISSOFF!!!” while foaming from the mouth. “SHUTUPPPPSERIOUSLYGOAWAYYY…please?”

I try to choose the rational option, and bite my tongue of the harshest of words, but it is really testing my patience. Most of the time I’m writing very passionately, so can’t people or technology piss right off, stop it and leave me alone to my flippen thoughts? I don’t believe this is irrational, or too hard to ask for honestly. Please try to understand, assuming anyone is having a hard time understanding this piece of information… lol, piece of information hey…you guys are welcome 😉

What’s to come next…

Disclaimer: I’m not ever going to follow through with my intrusive thoughts. They are unwelcome in my mind, and have me question myself. “Why do I have these thoughts, what’s wrong with me?” Oh, right… I am just angry.

If anyone is curious to what my writing style is like, or what I can write without any higher education to speak of, here’s a sneak peek of what’s to come next…of many different things.

Note: There is coarse language, somewhat. It’s nothing that would be bleeped out on particular television shows, which is not too particular if you ask me…

I had this creeping thought, what if this friend of mine lied to me and the place in question is still open, and isn’t actually being renovated? Nah, I brushed off quite easily. She wouldn’t have actually done that. Likely just a charming symptom of schizophrenia, which I happened to be diagnosed with, essentially right on the mark of twenty years old.

Oh, shit. There’s cars in the parking lot.
I heaved a sigh and proceeded to light up another cigarette. For heavens sake, I thought savagely. I made it over two weeks cold turkey, yet I was drawn into huffing the damn darts again?!

I went inside to order food to take home with me, the waitress seemed aloof by my demeanor I figured, but kind enough.

It was just a couple moments after that a close friend of the girl I mentioned here, also came into my view since he happens to work at the establishment I’m ordering food at. He has become increasingly aloof towards me I noticed. The hell with you asshole, I thought towards him. You little dink, be grateful you aren’t crippled by existing mental health issues within your own mind, I would hiss and sneer in his face. Bonus if I had the far more than the trace amounts of liquor in my mouth, and they sprayed all over his overly surprised stupid looking face. (Which I happened to order to detress, I’m fully aware that’s a horrible habit to get into and it’s definitely something to keep an eye on. Alcoholism could likely creep up on a person, absolutely)
I chuckled audibly like a lunatic becoming unhinged. I refused to get up and interact with him though. I didn’t necessarily want to follow through with these intrusive thoughts. However I let them keep pouring in…
My mind definitely gets the best of me sometimes, and it’s horrible. Now that I’m thinking with more clarity I’m able to determine that my attitude was a little jaded, so to speak. Most people to not know how to handle a person with debilitating mental struggles, and it is pretty exhausting to try to handle such a thing honestly…

As I said, this is just a sneak peek of what’s to come. Perhaps it’s alarming to others how open I am with my own mental health issues and the stigma of such a thing, but this cannot go on for any longer. We have definitely come a long ways from lobotomizing others (which from what I read, always had a huge amount of skepticism from the general populace) , however there is a substantial room for growth. It’s time people had their eyes open, admittedly uncomfortablely so…how many people experience depression and anxiety, or the mix of both throughout their lifetimes I wonder…

Getting started…

First blog post here, ever! This is a little daunting, moreso than what I even imagined. I’m not going to back out, I have some things to say. There are people that have been telling me to start writing a blog, due to the the context of the posts on my Facebook account…

This is really, very awkward to try and create a blog on a mobile device. It’s almost painful that I’m not able to copy and paste very efficiently…arg. I’ll have to try this again, with a netbook I’m planning to purchase…

There’s more to come  🙂  stay tuned